Last night we started our first official DnD Campaign together! I was super excited to finally get rolling with my troupe of players! The DM, Greg, arrived and got set up. We were ready to roll (ha! get it?!) by 7:30.
Greg said that we were all in a room together and we heard this. Wait, what? Oh crap, We’re going to have to fire this DM. We told him numerous times not to make this dumb. We told him we wanted an epic high fantasy game. Elevator music?!? Oh god, let this be over soon! After he stopped playing the 10 hour loop of elevator music from YouTube he informed us that we were all dead and at the afterlife DMV awaiting processing. The room was crowded with other unhappy dead warriors. There was no floor and no ceiling, just a thick fog where those things should be. That’s when all the people other than the 4 of us disappeared and before us stood the God, Bast/Bastet. She had selected us to help her in exchange for our lives. Basically, if we did her bidding she would return us to the world of the living to carry out her tasks. She basically was a shriveled up mess of her former self. She had not been receiving enough tributes to sustain her. She gained her powers/existence from oaths taken, chaos, and nature. Unfortunately the latter was being sucked away by evil arcane spell casters. They are the honey badgers of the Class tree. They don’t give two damns about the earth, drawing their power like it’s an endless supply. Well cause of them the world is a dry dry dry shriveled up mess, much like our Goddess Bast that was standing before us. Our job was to help get her followers and pay tribute (in the form of chaos, oaths taken, and nature) whenever possible. Oh and KILL ALL ARCANE SPELL CASTING BASTARDS!!! Basically we were a badass offspring of Greenpeace. Our end result would hopefully restore Bast to her former glory and more. For a shriveled God she had her eyes set on the prize and since all other Gods had basically shriveled and died off, she wanted to be THE GOD. I mean, don’t be greedy Bast, you’ll get what we can give you!
In this game I play an Elf Druid name Moistra B. Queefin Cuddlesnatch III. I was okay with this dried up dessert of a world. Mainly cause I like my worlds like I like my men…shriveled up, hot, and dying for some Moistra. Okay, not really but I thought that was funny and wanted to share it with you. Back to the game…Bast sent us back to Earth. She wasn’t awesome with her pinpointing though and we landed on a road to the town that we were suppose to be put in. I would also like to point out that Bast gave some “gifts” to some of the other people in my troupe but you know what? She gave the Druid JACK!!! Way to go freaking Bast, thanks a lot. Way to help the druid that is one with nature. PROBABLY THE ONE PERSON IN THIS GROUP THAT WOULD FOLLOW YOU! Jerk. Whatever, I’m not bitter. I’m a little bitter. JACK!!
Okay, so we’re on this road. Well some Orcs come up to us and try to start some crap because some of my cohorts are wearing metal and in this new world, metal is precious and scarce! Well, we kill one cause it hurt my dear animal companion Guenhwyver. Our Dragonkin Cleric also slashed one’s face and his stomach. It’s intestines were barely staying in. They were all “uh, we didn’t mean to hurt the cat. Sorry. We’re sorry.” and so we healed them a bit and they shared some information about the town we were heading to. They sent us to the town to meet up with a tradesman there named Jonto.
Once we arrived in town we stopped at the local bar, The Deviant Minotaur, for a drink and some information. We had a drink with a nice young man and started chatting. HOLY CRAP! It was Jonto. That was easy. He agreed to meet with us and discuss a few things (like us needing to build a temple to Bast in town) if we met him in 2 hours. He gave us the location and left. We headed back to the bar and overheard a conversation between two men. They were each from different Houses. There were three prominent houses in this town that basically ran everything. They were all “tradespeople” and were constantly backstabbing one another. Perfect! Our God, Bast could probably use a little pick me up. We got close and heard the two men arguing. One was claiming the other house stole a job from them by using intimidation. Well the Cleric and I could definitely help make this a little more heated. I leaned in and said “Well, I heard from a friend they saw one your house’s men go in and came out 5 minutes later with bloodied/bruised knuckles!” and the Cleric leaned in over the other man “Lies!!! I heard your house did that!”. That was all it took for a brawl to breakout between the men and a few moments later 40% of the bar was fighting. IN THE NAME OF BAST!!!!!
Before leaving the bar we made sure to flirt with a man hardcore and promised him pleasures if he met us at the smaller tavern down the street in 15 minutes. What he didn’t know is we would be at the smaller bar, The Empty Pipe, flirty with another man and telling him of the super scary man that would not leave us alone at the last bar. Once the man showed up at the Empty Pipe our new man attacked him. Bye Ralph! (You have to say “Bye Ralph” in a sultry Marilyn Monroe “happy birthday mr. president” voice for it to work like it’s supposed to.)
Then we were off to met Jonto again. When the door to the place we were meeting Jonto opened…..we saw one of the men from the bar. The men that were with the two houses arguing over who done who wrong and all that. SHIT! It was like seeing a one night stand again. IT’S NEVER SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN! Damn, okay….let’s get to BS’ing to cover our butts. So we had to explain about our god. “Let me tell you about Bast….” and we told him how we were new to town and trying to figure out which House to trust and to pledge our assistance to. And we also told him while trying to figure this out we figured the best way was to also pay tribute to our God Bast. Unfortunately, it was getting late. So we cut the explanation short and instead went with…”How about we have a nice feast and at that feast we will talk about building our temple to Bast and whatever else you want to talk about. Bast is all we need. Do you know about Bast?” and he agreed to have a feast in a few days.
That was it. We were done with our first night of DnD. I will say at first, I was ready to throw out the DM with the bathwater. But as the story developed a bit more, it got better. I’m interested in seeing where this goes and how it goes. It’s not the high fantasy setting I was hoping for but I’m still interested and entertained by it’s possibilities. I guess we’ll keep DM Greg for a bit longer.
Until next time, stay Moist!
xo – Moistra